Dealing with the Unavoidable: Conflict

What skill would you like to learn?

At one point in my life, conflict aversion was a core personality trait with the makings of a nickname, as in, “Just call me Conflict-Avoider.” My key skills in conflict-avoidance included, but were not limited to:

• Sprint away from the approach of perceived conflict;

If the other person ran faster and, hence, conflict was unavoidable, then turn to the complementary skills of:

• Immediate surrender and accompanying resentment;
• Suppression of frustration and/or anger about differences;
• Endure the mounting pressure from emotion-suppression;
• Explode over non-provocative events, unrelated to the original conflict; and
• Do all this in the name of pseudo-humility and “peacemaking.”

I had all these skills and more! Looking now at these skills, I see the makings of an isolated life with potential for hypertension and cardiac problems.

Conflict is inevitable. Can we agree on that or is that a point of conflict, too? (If so, then point proved!) Because we tend to perceive the world as-we-are and not as-the-world-is, no two ways of seeing a situation are exactly alike. When strong feelings over the disagreement in perception arise, then conflict ensues. Conflict is neither good nor bad; conflict simply is. Seeing things differently is natural. If and how we resolve conflict does matter.

That is where my desire to develop conflict resolution skills anthers the picture. I know I no longer run away from conflict- years of mindfulness work and meditation make that unnecessary. I am aware of the patterned-responses rising in me (freeze, fight, or flight) and can remain present as conflict arises. Watching those arise without acting on the impulse is a beginning. Now, I desire to make a next step.

I have some suspicions about skills I will need to hone. I will need to listen attentively and from a non-reactive stance; I do that already but could stand more practice. After that, my intuition tells me other key components include negotiating, more listening, action, accountability, and role determination for participants. Some of this is guesswork; some of this is experience, trying to work through conflicts in my personal and professional life.

I know for me that my values dictate that resolution of conflict MUST be:

• Non-violent
• Equitable
• Transparent
• Authentic

I have a sense I am ready now to begin learning to constructively resolve conflict. Since conflict is inescapable in work and leisure, conflict resolution is an important skill to develop, especially for the previously conflict-averse folks like me.