Desperately Seeking Control

This morning, I awoke to a stark realization: one of my most significant challenges is a desperate quest for control—control over my life and aspects of the larger world that, in my mind, I could manage better than those currently at the helm.

Even when I whisper to myself, “I surrender,” there’s a paradox at play. I’m assuming I had some level of control to relinquish! My daily practices of “letting go” and “staying awake” are ironically attempts to exert control over the uncontrollable—my life. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this. A part of me fears that this too is an attempt to grasp at control, reinforcing the illusion that I have any in the first place.

Even when I whisper to myself, “I surrender,” there’s a paradox at play. I’m assuming I had some level of control to relinquish!

Every time I try to control aspects of my life, I’m playing at being a deity. As I write this, even the thoughts surfacing are beyond my control, although articulating them in my words gives an illusion of narrative control. These words merely hint at a reality I’m attempting to express, perhaps mostly as a reminder to myself.

This all stems from an epiphany I had this morning. I’ve been trying to regain some semblance of control in my life, especially in my spiritual practice, of all places. It hasn’t “felt” right lately. But what is the correct feeling? Who decides what’s “right?” It’s not about right or wrong; it simply is. The struggle and unrest that emerge are not indicative of anything significant, except perhaps a focus on outcomes rather than the practice itself. And that’s what it is: a practice.

Little by little, this practice can teach me to simply accept reality as it is. There’s no need to judge what I encounter. I can embrace it, fitting myself into it, as I am an integral part of this reality, not a separate entity as many of us fear. I am as much a part of the problem as I am of the solution. I can play my role by being present and releasing my illusion of control, learning to embrace the freedom that comes with it.

Questions to Ponder

• How often do you find yourself trying to control various aspects of your life, and in what ways might this pursuit be an illusion or a misguided effort to manage the uncontrollable?
• In your personal or spiritual practices, how do you define what feels ‘right’ or ‘wrong’? What might change if you focused more on the practice itself rather than the outcome or the feeling it’s supposed to evoke?
• How do you perceive your role in the larger reality? In what ways can you practice accepting and integrating into the reality around you, rather than seeing yourself as a separate entity striving for control?