Chats with My Inner Critic

“Stupid.” I would dispel that word from my vocabulary; that goes double for my inner critic.

Let me be clear. I do not use “stupid” much in daily conversation or thoughts I have about the world. However, my friend and self-appointed protector, the inner critic, throws that word around frequently about things I have done or said or am thinking about doing or saying. Translation: my inner critic calls me “stupid.” In fact, it seems to be the go-to word for the inner critic. It is a great deterrent.

After years of trying to force silence on inner critic’s voice, I spent the last several years making friends with my inner critic. I wanted to understand what this critic is attempting to accomplish. Is there something I must learn? Does the inner critic find pleasure in breaking my self-confidence? What could they be doing?

To find answers, I developed a practice. I spent some time journaling about my inner critic. I gave attention to the timings of the critic’s appearance. I imagined a greater awareness could shed light on what they are doing and from where they came. At one level, some of this negative self-labeling had become habit; I needed to change my habits. At another level, my inner critic was busy trying to “protect” my ego. If it sounds counterintuitive, imagine my surprise when I discovered it. It was an unconscious protective pattern from childhood.

As far back as I can remember, I tried to avoid “pain” from embarrassment or hurt. Feeling “stupid” for not knowing something, being laughed at, or being called out for not understanding something, these were to be avoided. That is where my inner critic entered; imagining they were my champion and protector, the inner critic arose to keep me from making those “risky” mistakes ever again. Toe the line, keep to the mainstream, attend to the accepted norms, excel but not too much. If there was any innovation I imagined or venture to say/do, inner critic was there to return me to some imagined safety zone.

I have avoided a lot of pain that way; I have missed some chances as well. The only pain would be internal, caused by my the inner critic’s accusations. I have avoided some risks for fear of internal recrimination. While I may have missed some opportunities, I will not spend time regretting what cannot be undone or re-done. I understand the concerns expressed in the existence of inner critic. I did not agree with the approach; however, this pattern was developed by a child me, not an adult me

What court of action was appropriate? I could not simply repress the voice within through strength of will. Inevitably there would be a weaker-willed moment when the inner critic would reappear. So, having come to appreciate the work this inner critic had attempted to protect “ego” from my greatest fears, I chose and choose gratitude and honor:

Thank you for your work to protect me, Inner Critic. You have worked relentlessly to keep me “safe” from my fears and pain. I am ready for you to release your work to the adult me. You can trust that I can handle failing, facing pain and embarrassment. I honor your work.

– from “conversations” with my Inner Critic

There are still times when the patterned reaction of inner critic speaks out the go-to, “Don’t be “stupid,’ James,” or “That was stupid!” When I am attentive and truly present, I say, “It’s okay. I have got this. Thanks again.” And, of course, other times when I am less-present I internalize this voice and believe. Three steps forward, two steps back.

I hereby banish the hurtful word “stupid” from my vocabulary. At least for now… and now is all I have to choose. One moment at a time, right?